My angel in Heaven

My father IMG_0188passed away when I was only 4 years old and it is still something I deal with every day. And this definitely is not an easy topic to discuss but, it is part of the reason I am who I am today.

On March 11, 2002 my father passed away due to a freak accident on his job. It has changed my life forever. My older brother was 10 and my younger brother was a year old. It has always been difficult for our entire family. My dad was a huge family guy and everyone loved him so much. It brings me joy that my dad was so loving to his children and such a people person and people just loved him. I always hear people talking about my dad in such a loving way. When they tell funny or happy memories of my dad, their eyes light up and you can tell how much he meant to them. Which sometimes makes it harder because I get jealous that I didn’t get to know my dad like that but, it is so comforting to hear. It is a constant back and forth. One day I can be okay and the next I could be watching old home videos crying my eyes out. When I was in elementary school I was so jealous of girls that I went to school with because they had their dad. I was the girl that brought her uncle to the Father-Daughter dance for Girl Scouts. As time went on I realized that I didn’t have to be jealous and that I also had something to be grateful for. I am so grateful to have such a loving family that stepped in and took on bigger responsibilities for my brothers and I.

IMG_1461I still struggle with nagging thoughts from time to time and I don’t think that will ever go away. The “what-if’s” can knock me to my knee at times like I had just been in a boxing match. I have to deal with the fact that my dad didn’t get see me graduate high school, he won’t see me graduate college, he won’t walk me down the aisle when I get married, he won’t meet his grandkids, and he won’t be able to see me grow into the person I am supposed to be. I have grown to accept the fact that my dad is no longer here but, that does not mean I am okay with it.  I have found comfort in knowing that I will see him again someday in a place where there is no sadness, tears, or death.

Since becoming a Christian, I have come to understand that death is not the end of life but, the beginning of a new better life. We should rejoice for the time we had with that person and that they have moved on to something bigger and better than we could ever imagine. I got to live life with my father for 4 years and I am so thankful for that. 4 years is better than not having him in my life at all. I will always miss my dad but, I know that we will meet again.

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